Jealousy changes DNA
Updated: Mar 27, 2021
I'm never jealous, I like my DNA, and I don't know why I should burn myself emotionally in a completely destructive way.
I don't envy anyone. I always think, how I can get there. I am fascinated and inspired by people who are ambitious, passionate, who achieve their goals. I want it too!
But my way, so I don't envy them, I am just learning.
The same with love. If I have even the slightest suspicion that what is going on with me maybe jealousy, then I know it's time for me...
Years ago, I was dating someone important to me. We came from the same town, but we lived in completely different realities. Suddenly, even though, we've always known each other, it was like we're seeing each other for the first time. Something magical happened. Wonderful discovery, conversations until the morning, and kisses before noon. Everything was like from the most beautiful dream, but somewhere, it seemed like accidentally, along with the breezes, which makes for chills, without notice and maybe even the eye's angle, was HER!
Not much, an unbuttoned strap in trousers falling carelessly, exposing an impeccable belly bottom, combed in a hurry hair with an innocently calculating smile.
It's like a wastewater treatment plant: you always know it's somewhere over there. This specific, unpleasant smell floating in the air, making you feel sick. That was the case with HER.
There was too much of HER everywhere!!
Once, just before midnight, when I was going to meet friends, I met HER, completely drunk, sobbing on a bench overlooking my lake. I had no problem with the fact that she was drunk and snotty (probably we all were at some point), but that she was occupying my bench.
I wasn't jealous, I was angry!
Grandma used to say that two are a couple, three are a crowd. Suddenly it turned out that this tall blonde is a crowd.
I wasn't jealous, I was disappointed like never before.
So, when one day she called me crying desperately on the phone, begging to understand that I was kind of breaking her relationship, I, white as a piece of paper, listened to this chaotic monologue, and in one quietly spoken sentence, I explained that she shouldn't talk to me, it's not me, she should talk to HIM.
After that conversation, it came to me that I was in the crowd.
So, I called HIM, explained my phone confrontation in two words, and asked politely that he make sure she would never call me again, and then hung up, cutting right in the half-sentence of a senseless attempt to translate the misunderstanding.
I wasn't jealous, I was extremely sad. I was angry with HIM, that he had so mercilessly lied to me, and that I wanted to believe.
I was shocked and embittered. I wasn't jealous!
SHE was ivy: an innocent plant that, if you don't notice in time, will break the solid foundations of your house.
I don't know where she came from, but I watched her in my playground. Suddenly, she was the best friend of all my and HIS friends. She looked at innocently with these big doggy eyes, in which sometimes I tried to find the trace of thinking.
So, what was I supposed to be jealous of??
I saw us as completely different creations of nature from two different spaces of the universe.
Sometimes I felt sorry for her, but probably only because she came from somewhere, where the word "dignity" did not exist in the dictionary. Maybe there was no dictionary at all.
In my dictionary, "dignity" began with the letter "A".
So, I wasn't jealous. I was amazed that HE, who back then in my dictionary, started with the letter "B", allowed her to grow in.
But that wasn't my problem, so with my head up and tears in my eyes, I left in my own opposite direction.
Even for a moment, jealousy did not direct my decisions. Rather offended pride because we, as women, have more of it than others.
I realized that if I'm the other one in all of this, either the world has turned the opposite way, or I completely misunderstood the world. Suddenly numerology wasn’t art.
Years have passed and the numbers found the right places.
Today I can boldly say that I am colorblind in shades of jealousy, actually, I am a blind woman, because I do not even know what color it is.
I do not believe in jealousy, because it is not able to survive, it can only destroy, and I... well, I like to survive.